


Guardian Of The Kitchen

by Aramirandme81



Series: A Johnsons Christmas Calendar 2013 [8]
Category: The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: BAMF Anders, Christmas Cookies, Christmas Fluff, Gen, Hungry Axl, Sneaky Ingrid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-03 22:36:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1073858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aramirandme81/pseuds/Aramirandme81
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ty wants to bake for Christmas.<br/>Only problem his Family is a bunch of ravenous busybodies, stinking fingers and noses ineverything and eating whatever he has his back on.<br/>Whatever will he do?<br/>Hire a Kitchen Guardian of course!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guardian Of The Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elenhin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenhin/gifts).



> I asked if there was anything any of you would like to see, the ever lovely Elenhin responded: “The whole guarding the baking bit, can Anders be on guard duty? Paid in cookies, to keep all the rest of them away from the kitchen. Could be when all the rest would include even people like The other goddesses and Dawn even if it'd work. I mean, can you imagine Anders actually standing ground against Michele cause Ty promised him extra special cookies?”  
> Yes, yes I can imagine that. In fact I did.  
> And though it’s a few hours early here it is the part for 2’nd Advent of Christmas.

******

 

Ty knows that it’s difficult at the best of times to get any peace when cooking with any of his relatives in the same house, garden, beach, whatever if someone is cooking they are there. Every few minutes at least ‘someone’, usually Axl and Olaf, will wander by and smell, poke, stick their finger in and taste almost any unguarded food, sometimes Ty swears that they even eye up the raw meat like a pair of starving lions. And if they wouldn’t burn their hands he’s sure they would stick their finger into the sauce or soup pots. Honestly they are worse than flies! And he can’t even smack them and have done with. Well he could…but then the cops would come and …yeah big mess, better not. More than once he’s accidently frozen something he’d been preparing because they drive him up the wall.  
And that was just regular cooking.

 

Baking? 

Baking is even worse. 

Because then Axl and Olaf will practically set up camp in the kitchen, competing on who gets to lick bowls and utensils, or have the first taste of the baked goods. Even Mike will haunt the doorway, but he claims he’s just keeping an eye on the rest of them, yeah like Ty will fall for that, he used to share a room with Anders so he knows true scheming genius and Mike for all his talents will never get close to Anders level and skill for subterfuge. But at least Mike, unlike the other two, will usually stay out of his way and only occasionally snatch unguarded food. Cookies seems to be his weak spot though, and with all the skill of Ullr he will make the cookies disappear almost as fast as Ty can get them out of the oven unless Ty gives it as an icy version of Smaug and chases everyone from the kitchen.

 

Anders? Anders only very rarely ‘samples without permission’, except for when Ty cuts carrots, or has peas in a pod, there is just something about carrots peeled and sliced or fresh peas that Anders can’t resist, so Ty always makes sure to chop or buy extras to counter the pieces that go ‘missing’. And it’s just one of the reasons Anders is the one person Ty will willingly put up with in the kitchen.

Which is lucky since Anders is also the most constant companion when anyone cooks. Unless something really, really exciting is going on elsewhere he can be found sitting on a chair or more often on the counter from start to finish of food preparations, his eyes following every move, stir and cut Ty makes. 

Ty knows it’s not because he doesn’t trust Ty to know how to cook, he does. It’s simply that Anders has some really weird food allergies that comes and goes in some wired cycle that not even the doctor could explain, and neither mum, dad or Val had ever really paid much attention to them when they cooked, so Anders has learned to keep an eye on the chef so he knows if he can actually eat what is being served without getting sick or if he should fill up on bread or even go hungry. 

In fact Ty knows it’s a compliment of sorts that Anders will actually stop him if he’s about to add something he’s currently allergic to, because after that time where he told Val he was allergic to red pepper and the very next week she served a red pepper stew two days in a row without telling anyone that’s what it was? Yeah Anders might have been a picky eater before that but after? Ty remembers how he all but refused to eat and when he finally did he wouldn’t eat anything but cornflakes without milk and plain rice for almost three weeks because he could see what was in that. God he had gotten skinny. It was during that time Ty really started getting interested in learning how to cook. He wanted to be able to make Anders something that would fill him up without making him sick. Because even Axl had begun to be worried that Anders wouldn’t be with them much longer. 

Anders had actually cried when Ty had told him these two facts, he’d made him swear not to tell anyone, but he had cried. 

The day Ty asked to be given a weekly cooking day was the day Anders started eating again. They all wound up with a weekly cooking day after that, which made Axl whine and Mike scowl, but since they were allowed to swap chores it ended up being only Val, Ty and Anders that cooked and Axl did almost all the gardening and taking out the trash. Though Anders never stopped poking at his food to cheek the content and even at the fanciest restaurants where Anders has faxed ahead with a list of things he’s allergic to, because Anders is smart like that, he will still take small test bites of the food before digging in. 

He even admitted to having ‘trained his palate’ to be extra safe, a statement which caused quite a lot of laughs and they all teased him about it a hundred times, claiming that he wouldn’t be able to taste the difference anyway, but that stopped after Anders prevented Axl from eating a dessert where the chef had used rosehip in the filling. Axl was violently allergic to rosehip they found out one summer when Val had been on an organic ‘eat your flower garden’ flip. Anders had been able to taste it was there and the teasing sort of stopped, you don’t tease someone with something that has just saved not only your life but properly that of everyone in the greater Auckland area as well. Anders had been rather gracious about it and only did the ‘I told you so’ about four times.

It made Anders Ty’s favorite person to cook for, because his brother could not only appreciate every subtlety he was also brutally honest in his assessment. 

 

Which is how Ty knows that offering to make Anders a batch of his triple chocolate, rum and nut cookies for guarding the entrance to the kitchen while Ty does his Christmas baking, will ensure him his brothers services.

 

The day comes around and Anders shows up at Ty’s door at the crack of dawn with a coffee in one hand and a bag of mouthwatering hot Danish in the other.

“Come on bro’ we are wasting time, eat this and get some cloths on and you may have this lovely delicious double espresso with chocolate and caramel syrup to drink while I drive us to the grocery store.” Anders says and holds the bag and coffee out to him.

Ty is very tempted to kiss his brother in sheer gratitude, but resists temptation by shoving the pastry into his mouth instead.

“Urgh, you eat like Axl man. That is not the way to charm the ladies.” Anders says and wrinkles his nose in disgust as crumbs fly.

“Sorry, I’m starving and my fridge was empty.” Ty says as he wipes his mouth, gets changed, finds his jacket and shoes.

“Figured it might be.”

“Oh, how so?”

“I spoke with Axl on the phone last night, or rather our darling younger brother drunk dialed me at about three this morning and told me, among many many things most of which should never be repeated or have been said in the first place, to bring beer today because you didn’t have any and I bought the best fucking beer in the universe.” Anders said, doing a rather uncanny imitation of Axl’s drunken voice. “And since we all know that dear baby brother would only know that if he’d been here, well a visit from Axl that lasts more than ten minutes equals an empty fridge so I thought I bring food to the hungry.”

“You are a prince among mortals.” Ty says and salutes him with the Styrofoam mug.

“Pffth! I’m a GOD among mortals, not just a prince and you know it, now chop chop, we want to get there before all the families show up, you know how I hate shopping in crowds, especially when there are kids.” Anders said and went out towards the car. Just as Ty was about to lock the door he shouted back: “And don’t forget your list!”

“Fuck, how does he do that?” Ty mumbled and headed back in, as he had in fact forgotten the list.

 

They make it there and out just in time to avoid the early family shoppers, though not early enough to avoid running into the mall Santa who was just heading for the big ‘Santa’s House’ that the mall boast every Christmas, which means they are now both in possession of Candy canes. Anders draws Santa’s like he draws sexually frustrated housewives’, stray dogs and fish at the aquarium: he doesn’t really mean to do so it just sort of happen.

“You sure you have everything you need? You didn’t forget that you also wanted a new kitchen sink or something?” Anders asks as they make their way to the car. Or Ty thinks it’s Anders, it really could be anyone behind all those bags and packages. His own view is only marginally better, though he can actually see over his bags, which Anders can’t possibly be able to since Ty can’t even see his brother. 

“Oh no wait I think there might be a sink in the one stuck under my armpit, never mind.” The disembodied voice continues and with really impressive accuracy makes it to the car without bumping into anything or anyone or getting hit by any of the by now quite numerous cars. 

This is why Ty shops with Anders, sure he bitches and moans, but he also makes sure you have Everything you need for the task at hand, and then some to spare and some for fun. So Ty now has most of his Christmas shopping done as well. Anders is also full of scathing comments on just about everything and everyone, so even shopping for cheese can be quite entertaining. The poor lady behind the counter had been so confused by the end that she had almost wrapped up the fake fruit instead of the cheese they had just bought.

 

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t buy a kitchen sink, Anders so that can’t be it.”

“No? Then perhaps it was a bathroom sink?”

“Didn’t buy that either.”

“You stole it? Ty, I never would have thought that about you, what would our farther say?”

“Don’t get caught?”

“Right, what would our mother say?”

“Mum wouldn’t say anything, she’d give me the look and lock me in the house for a decade.”

“Hmm… okay then: what would Mike say?”

“I’m not posting bail?”

“Sounds about right.” Anders conceded as he managed to get the last of their bags into the back of his car. “I’m beat, you’re driving.” He said and threw his keys at Ty.

“Alright.”

“Home James, and make it a smooth ride. I intend to catch a few more z’s before I have guard duty.”

Ty just slapped him semi gently over the head then did as he was asked.

 

Thanks to their early start Ty is able to get the first two dough’s made and set to rise and the dough he’d made the day before and which Axl has miraculous overlooked on his quest for food is rolled out and he’s busy cutting out shapes, the first plate already in the oven when Ingrid shows as the first one. 

It’s not that Ty had invited any of them to come over before evening, but they will always turn up early when he’s baking, as Ingrid just proved. 

 

“Something smells good.” She says when she hangs her coat then heads towards the kitchen area only to be stopped by Anders hand on her arm.

“The kitchen is off limits, if you need anything let me know and I’ll get it.”

“Oh, oh that’s very kind of you Anders, could I have a spot of tea please?”

Anders nods and makes his way over to fix her tea.

“Shit you have a lot of tea Ty.” Anders says as he looks through Ty’s cupboards after putting the kettle to boil. “One brand for each of your lady friends?”

Ty gives him the finger making Anders grin.

“Any particular kind you would like Ingrid?” He asks as he turns back to the cupboard.

“Oh Christmas tea if you have it if not then anything fruity is fine with me.” She answers causing Ty and Anders to exchange a very telling look, and Ty has to cough once to hide a laugh. Anders gets a bag from the box marked Christmas tea not even trying to hide his smirk.

“Sugar? Milk?” He asks as he finds the cups and teapot.

“Sugar please.” Ingrid answers, nearly as fascinated by Anders conduct as she is by Ty’s baking. Though the plate coming out of the oven tips the scale in Ty’s favor.

Anders manages to ‘steal’ a single cookie and places it on the saucer beside the cup as he brings over the tray, one handed like a waiter and serves her like one.

“You are very good at that.” Ingrid remarks and blow on her tea, unlike their relatives Ingrid won’t risk burning her tongue just to get the cookie five minutes early. 

“I worked as a waiter once.” Anders confesses.

“Really?” This has even Ty looking up.

“Yes really. I had to pay for Uni somehow and waiting is a good way to earn money, especially if you know how to be friendly and charming without seeming to be trying, then you can earn quite a lot in tips.” 

“Huh, my brother the waiter. I did not see that one coming, how come I didn’t know this?” 

“We didn’t see each other for nearly two years remember? And besides, what this family doesn’t know about me could fill books.” Anders says as he returns to his ‘guard post’ at the edge of the breakfast isle where he sits with his arms crossed, meaning that that trail of conversation is closed for further discussion. 

Even Ingrid who can be ‘somewhat’ distrait at time picks up on it and sit’s back quietly sipping her tea.

 

As the rest trickle in, they all get the same message as Ingrid did, and because he is so courteous and matter of fact about it everyone simply finds a seat and stays there while Anders keeps them in drinks, only Ingrid got a cookie but none of the three people who knows that is going to tell.

It works for almost two hours until Axl arrives and well, keeping Axl away from food was never easy.

 

“I’m just having a look.” Axl says, barely out of his jacket before he heads for the kitchen area.

“By look you mean snatching as many cookies as you can carry and stuff in your mouth.” Anders says rising from his spot and meeting Axl halfway blocking his path.

“No I don’t.” Axl says, causing everyone to snort or something similar. 

“Axl, when have you ever not eaten any food left ungraded?” Mike asks.

“I don’t do that.”

“You do dear.” Ingrid says and counts the loops on her knitting.

“Hmm, well food is for eating.” Axl says in a rather feeble defense and tries to get around Anders, only his brother is proving to be most uncooperative. “Move will you?”

“No.”

“What?”

“No, I won’t move. You were told the kitchen was off limits and I expect you to heed that request.”

“Heed? Seriously dud you been reading too much fantasy.” Axl says and once again tries to get past, this time pushing his brother rather more forcefully. Or that was his intent, what does happen is that he finds himself turned around facing the others who also seem lost for words for a second.

“What the hell? Let me past Anders.”

“No, Ty wants the kitchen free of ‘disturbing elements’, a description that fits you rather well I should think, and I’m the one making sure he gets his wish. So back off, go take a seat and tell me what you would like to drink, no one is getting past me.” Anders says voice the same level as always, only more soft and smooth which makes Ty’s ear twitch because he knows Anders is most dangerous when he’s being courteous. 

Axl though either hasn’t picked up on that or more likely never learned it, so Ty shifts his position so he can get a better view of the lesson that will no doubt follow any second now.

Sure enough Axl doesn’t take the hint and turns to his old friend ‘brute strength’ to deal with his ‘weaker’ brother.

“Move.” He says and goes in to try and shove Anders again, only much more focused and even harder this time.

Again he finds himself turned around with a slick twist of Anders arms and this time his ass is soundly smacked by one of the two wooden spoons Anders has gotten hold off at some point.

“Ow!” Axl says, Anders really packs a good smack with those things. “What the hell was that for?”

“You were warned bro. I’m on guard duty and I take that very serious.” Anders says, his stance seemingly relaxed but Mike or rather Ullr can see the warriors pose, the spoons held ready as if they were the most deadly of swords rather than just wooden spoons. Ingrid sees something as well because she get’s this knowing smile but whatever it is she’s not saying, unlike Mike who doesn’t want to listen to Axl’s whining so he warns Axl off.

“I’d stand down if I were you.” 

“But, but the food?!” Axl lament’s nursing his sore bum, sniffs in the delicious smell of fresh baked goods and gazes longingly into the kitchen where Ty is trying his hardest not to snicker as he coats the cookies he’s currently working on with egg to help the sugar stay on. The constant hunger warring with his newfound respect for the pain wooden spoons could bring was clear in his expression. 

“Tell you what, I’ll phrase it so you can’t possibly fail to understand it.” Anders says and grabs the broom that Ty has used to sweep away any flour or sugar making it to the floor and which is leaning against the counter. 

He holds it up in one hand while in the other he still holds one of the spoons, and in a rather uncanny imitation of both movements, voice and speech pattern says: “I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udún. Go back to the shadow from whence you came. You cannot pass!” And slammed the broom down into the floor.

 

There were silence for all of five seconds then Olaf burst out laughing and clapping setting the others off.

“That was brilliant Anders. Axl you better sit down, you are not getting past Gandalf the Grey..” Olaf begins, only to be interrupted by Anders very insulted voice.

“Hey!”

“Okay Gandalf the Blond then?” Olaf is willing co compromise

“Better.” Anders shows his willingness to join Olaf in compromising.

“Yes, well whatever you name him Axl isn’t getting past him.” Stacey said and padded the sofa cushion indicating Axl should just accept defeat and sit down.

 

Axl grumbled but did relent and sat down asking for beer, which Ty countermanded saying no one was drinking alcohol at his place until after noon. So Axl ended up having coffee instead.

That bought Anders a full twenty minutes of peace before Axl roped Olaf into trying to team up and get past him that way.

 

It didn’t work, and both of them was sore in various places when they admitted defeat after ending up in a heap for the third time and slunk back to the sitting area where Mike, Stacey and Ingrid was not even attempting to hide their laughter.

 

They were still grumbling in confusion over Anders immovability when Michele finally arrived and everyone could feel the static in the air when the tall goddess started towards the kitchen. 

Surely Anders wasn’t fool enough to try and stop Michele?

 

“Sorry Michele, kitchen is off limits, but have a seat and I’ll get you something to drink.”

“I’d like to get my own drink.”

“Then you’ll have to settle for the tea on the table or I can get you a glass that you can fill with water in the bathroom, because as I said the kitchen is a no go zone.” Anders answers as if he hadn’t a care in the world.

Michele lifts one sculptured eyebrow.

“Are you telling me what to do little man?”

“No, I’m telling you what Not to do.” Still seemingly unfazed.

“I put a ten’er on Michele.” Olaf stage whispers.

“Twenty.” Stacey agrees.

Axl has a quick look through his pockets then sighs.

“Six dollars.”

Stacey snorts.

“Well it doesn’t matter anyway because Mike can’t bet against us without it becoming a fixed match and no one is willing to bet against us.” Olaf comforts Axl.

“I’ll take it.” Ingrid says without lifting her eyes from her knitting causing everyone to look at her, even Ty, Anders and Michele. 

“What?” Olaf asks.

“I’ll take the bets, and if anyone is interested in doubling I’m open for that as well.”

“Double?” Stacey ask, wanting to confirm.

“Yes, or triple if you like.”

“It’s your money.” Stacey shrugs and finds sixty dollars in her purse that she puts on the table.

Olaf put’s down twenty and Axl his six.

“Mike will be the bank.” Ingrid says and hands Mike the money.

“And where are your money?” Axl asks.

“Oh Mike is holding them.”

“I’m not fronting you Ingrid.” Mike sighs.

“No dear, you have them in your hands.”

“You are very confident.” Michele says slightly irritated that anyone would bet against her being able to take on Anders of all people.

“Just do your thing so we can get it over with and I can get my money. Ty dear the timer is beeping.”

“Shit!” Ty hurries to the oven just in time and the standstill is broken.

 

Michele turns back to Anders who hasn’t moved it seems.

“Right then, dwarf, this is your last warning, move aside or I will plow through you and use your twitching carcass as a door mat.”

Anders eyes take on a set and determined look.

“No.” The word is like stone: cold, firm and solid.

Michele is about to lift her arm when Anders levels her with a warning gaze.

“You do Not want to test me one this Michele, or you will find yourself on your ass.” There is nothing arrogant or even teasing in Anders voice and Michele has a moment of doubt, then steels her reserve and begins anew. 

 

She swings, and like Axl finds herself facing the others with a sore bum.

“You… oh shit you didn’t.” Mike says, and prepares to go rescue Anders from the certain death that is a pissed off Sjöfn.

Only when Michele gets up from the floor and swings the glass she’s picked up in her anger she is ‘disarmed’ in a flash and the spoons that Anders had been holding seem to changes shape and become much more like the swords Anders has been wielding them as.

“You will not pass goddess, now go find a seat and tell me your beverage of choice.” The voice coming from Anders mouth is like the sharpest of blades yet dripping in honey. The meaning is clear, he is still asking her nicely, but should she refuse to comply or make another attempt at getting past him he will bring the hurt.

Michele isn’t stupid so she listens to both her own instincts and Sjöfn’s warning and says: “Any kind of soda but grape please.” And goes to take a seat, looking at Anders as if she’s never seen him before. 

“How, how?” Axl asks as Ingrid snatches the money from Mikes unresisting hand.

“Yeah, it’s like we are all Huns and he’s a teeny tiny great wall of China. It’s baffling, unbelievable and more than a little frustrating man.” Olaf agrees.

“Yeah, and did he just go Bragi on her ass?” Stacey wants to know, as she watches Ingrid pocket the money. “I thought Bragi didn’t work on us?” 

“Don’t feel bad.” Anders says as he hands Michele her soda. “You fought well, and on any other day in any other situation you would totally kick my ass and we both know it.” He adds and hands her not just one but two cookies in a clear gesture for there to be no hard feelings between them.

Michele wants to remain angry but Anders is just too charming and sincere in his words and well those cookies smell divine. 

“Yeah okay, just tell me this: How?”

“I’m Bragi.” Anders says as if that answered everything and return to the post again.

 

“Well that made zero sense. He didn’t just talk her down he threw her down. ” Stacey says, and Axl nods his agreement as he watches Michele’s cookies hungrily.

“Oh it makes perfect sense.” Ingrid says and smiles.

“It does?... It does!” Olaf exclaims. “Oh I’m such a fool for forgetting my legends.”

“A bit yes.” Ingrid agrees. 

“Please explain to the rest of us that doesn’t have the advantage of being an oracle.” Mike asks.

“Well he’s Bragi. Bragi’s poetry might not work on us, but Bragi also guarded Odin’s halls, and none could enter if he didn’t let them. After guarding Odin’s halls against wurms, ettins, giants and other creatures yes even other gods, keeping us lot out of Ty’s kitchen …?”

“Will still seem a task worthy of song.” Ty said as he shoved another plate in the oven. “You lot are terrible at the best of times, today I just knew you’d be even more so.” He finished packing a big box of cookies that he placed on the counter behind Anders. 

“Your payment.”

Anders made a happy little noise but still kept an eye on the rest of them. 

“Ty dear could I have some cookies as well?” Ingrid asked.

“Of course, just give me a second and I’ll fix you a plate.”

“WHAT?!?! She just gets some?” Axl exclaimed deeply baffled, somewhat insulted and maybe a little hurt.

“Well yes, I’m almost done for now and she did ask nicely.” Ty says as he makes Ingrid a plate of cookies.

“A thing which none of the rest of you even tried to do, you simply tried to force your will though.” Anders points out.

“And now I feel stupid.” Michele said around the last of her cookie. “Say these are great any chance a repentant sinner could have some more?” 

“How about a slice of humble pie?” Anders asks even as he holds out a plate to her.

“Watch it gnome.” She shoots back, but it lacks bite and both of them like a good biting joke so they both have laughing eyes. Yes they are good, no hard feelings.

And as Ty gives in and serves them all cookies and cakes everyone laughs as Stacey tells Michele about Axl and Olaf’s many failed attempts to get to the food before she arrived.

They have a good time, they learned a little something about being presumptuous and what polite manners will get you, no one was hurt except for a bit of wounded pride, the cakes and cookies are superb and for once Ty didn’t stress out with all the interruptions because there were none.

“I’m hiring you again next year just so you know.” He says as he leans close to Anders as they sit on the now clean breakfast isle watching the others feast on Ty’s cooking with about as much grace as the pack of lions Ty liked Axl and Olaf to earlier.

“Same fee?”

“Same fee.”

“I’m in.” Anders says and the clink their glasses of hot cocoa against each other to seal the deal.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it.  
> I'm still open for sugestions and challenges so please feel free to send them my way.
> 
> Comments and kudos are both devine, be a god or goddess today! ;-)


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